[originally published November 6, 2015]
Getting trashed in sunny Auburn, Washington. Still in my postal uniform. Living across the Narrows Bridge is a pain in the ass cause I don't wanna go home to avoid two tolls in one day. Thankfully my folks have been taking my dog out every night so I can stay on this side without too much guilt.
I'm excited to see my buddy Shelby's comedy show, but I must admit today's been a bit of a struggle. Not due to my mental state finally; that's actually been pretty good. Pain level is around a 2. No, this has largely centered around my grief over losing The Love of My Life.
I don't know how many of you have lost your soulmate but it's not great. I once thought my ex-wife was destined for me, but I realized pretty quickly that she was a terrible person. I just didn't have the strength to abort the mission. But this time I'd found someone worth fighting for. And believe me, I tried.
So I'm sitting in my mailtruck listening to the Mental Illness Happy Hour (a fantastic podcast) and lamenting my piss-poor behavior when it came to treating her with kid gloves. I'd never really understood how to deal with an extreme introvert and always bristled at being closed out from physical affection. So in the absence of my love, I was feelin the feels.
Luckily, the sunshine and a great new podcast, Pretty Misandry with Maggie Strong, brought me out of my funk and enabled me to reengage with the human world. Maggie Strong, the erstwhile host of Pretty Misandry, commiserated with me regarding the difficulty of maintaining relationships when mental illness is a factor, and it was awesome. There's nothing like relating with someone who understands your issues, especially in matters of the heart.
I don't know what comes next. Comedy is on the agenda for the evening, which is always great. But love and happiness are elusive targets. I have a few new female friendships, which are always welcome, and I'm involved in a couple codependency support groups, so I expect some quality healing, but my heart still aches for the one woman who moves my soul.
I don't know how to end this post, so I'll just say this: if you're struggling with loneliness, depression, or any other mental confusion, know that you're not alone. We're all in this together. Love rules the world. Embrace it, and each other.