Season Two Is Here, and the Problems Continue

[originally published October 19, 2015]


This is so exciting! Season Two of Everything is Awesome is here! Following our most epically long episode to date, Episode 38 will be out very soon. In this episode, long-time guest cohost Fred Bowski returns to the loveseat, along with friend of the show Emily Bittrick to open and close my awesome Happy Homecoming party. If I didn't already mention it in the blog, I had to move back in with my parents and it has been a humbling adjustment. Emily was kind enough to host the party and she was awesome. This woman is so funny and so skillful even though she's only been a standup for maybe a year. It was her first time hosting a full-on comedy show and she did great.

Of course, yours truly had to make it weird. Ever since my ex-wife left me for my sports buddy, I've been trying to lead a life I can be proud of, while still having a good time. It's meant that I've stumbled in and out of bad relationships, developed a solid writerly voice and written some pretty cool songs, but it's also meant that I've come into relatively close contact with beautiful young women I'm intensely attracted to. When I was married, I ignored these women, kept them on the edge of my peripheral vision, and if they tried to engage me in conversation I'd try to be as surfacey and boring as possible.

Now of course, I can't really do that. Partly because I want to help cultivate an environment around me where young artists can flourish and collaborate and be successful, but also (sadly) because I'm a lonely creepy old dude who just wants to be loved and make out with a pretty girl who he admires for her talent.

So at the party, when I'm supposed to be entertaining the guests, holding court, tidying up the last minutes of the silent auction, and generally making sure that the comics were happy with their experience, I'm out in a car with a young lady trying to soak in all her beauty and energy in a vain attempt to fill some dark pathetic hole in my childish soul.

Which brings me to the present moment. The podcast is rolling, my writing has never been as good, my confidence is building and I'm working the steps in recovery. But this love addiction thing still haunts me. I haven't been able to find a suitable meeting for this issue near Tacoma, which means I'll have to travel to Seattle to find a group. This also means that week to week I'll be going into the heart of a city that says to me "here are the fineass women you've been looking for". Don't get me wrong, Tacoma. Your women are plenty fine. But most of them won't date me, and the few that have have been, let's say...challenging, to say the least.

So now I'm fixin to go into the belly of the beast, knowing my twisted desire is the one thing holding me back from being healthy and successful. So in the middle of all this confusion walks one of the hottest, funniest and intimidating women I've ever met. And she responds to my text.

So like a jackass I throw caution to the wind, and even knowing that it's a mistake I ask her out anyway. Thankfully she declined, but in the nicest way possible, which was very good for my self-esteem. The next twelve hours or so were spent obsessing about how dumb I am for risking my sobriety in a vain attempt to seize a woman I have no business chasing. Seriously guys, I'm maybe a Tacoma 6, and this girl's at least a Seattle 8. She'd have to be criminally insane and homeless for me to even have a shot. And yet, I went for it anyway.

That's the curse of this stupid addiction. It clouds judgment, damages potential friendships, and restarts the cycle of guilt and shame everytime the wheel comes back around. If only I could wear some kind of goggles that make hot women invisible, maybe then I could live a decent life.

Of course then I'd have nothing to write about.