Listening Back

[originally published October 15, 2015]


Today's weather: early clouds with a few sunbreaks, 75% melancholy.

My folks left for a short trip as I was leaving for work and left all sorts of instructions and stuff in case they die. I slapped together a healthy (boring) lunch and left for work. While there I listened to my funny podcasts, but I couldn't seem to get into a good mood. It was like my laugher was broken. The guys from the Nerdist were on Doug Loves Movies and I remembered why I don't listen to that show. Doug seemed to be trying everything to make them seem interesting.

After work I had an existential crisis. My neighbor had let Rusty out so I didn't have to go back to the Harbor, but I didn't know what to do. I swung into a park near the bridge and tried to take a depressive nap. I realized pretty quickly that these difficult feelings were coming up because I wasn't doing anything to numb them.

I wasn't drinking, I stopped smoking, and most importantly, I wasn't chasing desperately after a woman. I miss Hilary every day, and it sucks not to be with her, but because I've made this choice to break my love addiction I have to learn how to deal with the inevitable consequences of that decision, without trying to get some other chick to make myself feel like a man.

Part of recovering from any addiction is forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do. I realized that my desire to go to sleep was my brain's way of running from my problems. I reached out to someone I trust (my dear friend and cohost Shakim Leckie), and just the simple act of reaching out helped me make my next move.

I went to the open mic at Reyna's in Parkland, figuring I'd eat, read Dune Messiah, and maybe see someone I know. While there, I did just that, but I also got to see Shakim do his thing, and even got a sneak peek at his newest masterpiece. I didn't talk much, and didn't stay past his set, but just forcing myself to go out and be around people was a good idea..

Things aren't perfect. Far from it. I'm still not over my lost love. In fact, I came across some old recordings we made back when we were planning our own podcast and it made me wistful for the good times. But hey, I'm not stupid. I know shit back then seemed great, but under the surface it was anything but. It just felt good to listen back to good times and hear the sounds of two bosom friends laughing and having a great time.

Love had potential then. I'd like to think it still does. But for me, at least for a little while, love will have to wait. I can listen to the old sounds without getting too sad because I know that at the time I believed it would be great. Hopefulness is a beautiful thing. Even if life sometimes tears at the edges, hope can remain intact.

So stay hopeful, my friends. We're all in this together. With luck, we'll find the person (or persons) who fits in the best possible way. Until then, I'm gonna keep laughing. And listening. Cause after all, that's what I do. 

Keep being awesome!